TheExchangeIII

“So here we are,” Hayley said over steepled fingers. “At the end of things.” Satan frowned, keeping his attention on the report he was writing. “Get your elbows off of my desk.” Every cell in her body wanted to bolt upright and apologize for any disrespect, but she fought the urge. Instead, she leaned further forward, chin balanced on one fist. Her other hand drifted - with an air of comfortable boredom, she hoped - to the Newton’s cradle on the desk’s corner. She set it in motion, its rhythmic clicking filling up the otherwise silent office. “Whatcha writing?” she asked, tilting

~7outerelements (https://www.deviantart.com/7outerelements):iconexversusplz::iconBlueLibrarian: 7outerelements (https://www.deviantart.com/7outerelements) vs. BlueLibrarian (https://www.deviantart.com/bluelibrarian) Votes: 0-2.5 (0-2 judges; 0-1 readers) Mippins and Vane:7outerelements: commentsBlueLibrarian: commentsMippins' vote: BlueLibrarianVane's vote: BlueLibrarian Readers: Vote: BlueLibrarian BlueLibrarian: I have so many thoughts about this entry and so few ideas how to put them into words. There are things I do and don’t like about what you have. I think my favorite scene was the confrontation in Satan’s office. If I’m being honest, I don’t quite understand what it’s purpose was, but boy was it ever cool. And then th

~fancylances (https://www.deviantart.com/fancylances):iconexversusplz::iconBlueLibrarian: fancylances (https://www.deviantart.com/fancylances) vs. BlueLibrarian (https://www.deviantart.com/bluelibrarian) Votes: 0.5-2 (0-2 judges; 1-0 readers) Mippins and Vane:fancylances: commentsBlueLibrarian: commentsMippins' vote: BlueLibrarianVane's vote: BlueLibrarian Readers: Vote: fancylances Erin clearly spared no effort in this round. It is dense with reference and character development. Once again, characters were split up to avoid the crowding effect of having so many people standing around, this time to greater effect. Each character set got to do something interesting, and most of them got to make me chuckle. I'm curious what directions Erin is taking

BETTER TO REIGN IN HELL A confidential file of particular import has been stolen from Satan's office. He's not sure who took it, but he has a hunch that Ballas and his gang are somehow involved. Strange, though. Ballas has gone eerily quiet since the robbery. His goons have withdrawn from the streets and the manhunt for mortals seems to have been called off. Whatever he's up to, Satan is going to find out. He's set out into the city to find the file himself. If that means confronting Ballas face to face, so be it. THE RED WIDOW The Baroness has been destroyed, and with her went any semblance of structure in Nothing's black market. The city

~Icysapphire (https://www.deviantart.com/icysapphire):iconexversusplz::iconSilvermokona: Icysapphire (https://www.deviantart.com/icysapphire) vs. Silvermokona (https://www.deviantart.com/silvermokona) Votes: 3-0.5 (2-0 judges; 2-1 readers) Mippins:Icysapphire *Don't open  with floating dialogue. I've harped on a bunch of people for this throughout the round, but lucky for you, your character has a distinct enough voice to where you almost pull it off. This might even be like, one of the only acceptable cases, but it's still a peeve of mine so I'm still going to complain about it, hah. Floating dialogue (to start a story/scene) usually doesn't work because we don't know who is talking or what the setting is, so that first line is more confusing than

~LunaInvidia (https://www.deviantart.com/lunainvidia):iconexversusplz::iconKevinfinity: LunaInvidia (https://www.deviantart.com/lunainvidia) vs. Kevinfinity (https://www.deviantart.com/kevinfinity) Votes: 0-4 (0-2 judges; 0-4 readers) Mippins:LunaInvidia *Oh dear, I've already spotted some typos/grammatical errors in the first line: Ophelia said, squinting doubtful around at their surroundings. "Doubtful" should be "doubtfully" and then "around at their surroundings" is a strange phrase. Plus, Ophelia is speaking, but then "their" is plural and I'm assuming refers to the group, but the group hasn't been established, so it reads weirdly. It's technically correct, I guess, but it's a weak opening. That's not a good sign. Honestly, since you start wit

~JaredSol (https://www.deviantart.com/jaredsol):iconexversusplz::iconleucrotta: JaredSol (https://www.deviantart.com/jaredsol) vs. Leucrotta (https://www.deviantart.com/leucrotta) Votes: 3.5-0.5 (2-0 judges; 3-1 readers) Mippins:JaredSol *Oh boy, starting off with floating dialogue. A lot of floating dialogue. This works in movies, but not in writing, since it just confuses the reader. Who's speaking? What is the voice supposed to sound like? What's the setting? What's happening? Ground your reader, first and foremost. I have to scroll down before I learn that we're in a speakeasy. Up until that point, the reader is floating in the nether with no sense of the setting (beyond like, a table, but a table tells me nothing). *Still kind of conf

Preface from MrVane (https://www.deviantart.com/mrvane): Just upfront, I want to warn everyone that my critiques are overwhelmingly negative.  This is for two reasons: --I firmly believe negative critiques are the most useful, as its generally more helpful to know what’s broken rather than be told what works. --Problems are much much easier to find, as in general good writing and plotting by its very nature goes unnoticed the same way good machines just ‘work’. In other words I was lazy. And speaking of taste, I am subjective and fallible and not everything I say is necessarily valid. That said, my views aren’t thoughtless and I can furnish more d

DEVIL IN THE DETAILS You've managed, somehow, to secure the password for the Blind Pig's speakeasy and gossip hub. Inside, you learn that Satan hasn't been entirely honest. Mortals have been taken into the Underworld once before, though it was so long ago that not many would remember. Your informant isn't clear on the details; it may not have happened in Nothing, and Satan may not even remember. Either way, there should be records of the event buried away in Satan's skyscraper, with how diligent he is about paperwork. You could ask him outright, but he's a busy guy and doesn't take kindly to being accused of lying or forgetting things. Even i

--BASICS-- Name: Hayley, goes by Mippins online Age: 23 Sex: Female Race: Human --APPEARANCE-- Height: 5'5, or ~1.65 m Weight: ~135 lbs., or ~61 kg. In relation to height, that's about average. Build: Pretty solidly average. Long legs, thick thighs, a bit of tummy jiggles and a chest big enough to fill things out but not big enough to get in the way. Little to no muscle. Skin: Pale, but not shockingly so. Tends to get oily, especially around her face. Hair: Brown with a hint of red, mostly straight but with a bit of a wave to it. Generally kind of disheveled and all over the place. It falls to about her lower back at its longest point. The b